As life's pace quickens, dating services grow

Sunday, March 27, 1994

By Diana McKeon - Poughkeepsie Journal

Michael Ettinger and Elyse Clark met for a glass of wine after choosing each other for a date through Lifeworks, a dating service.

"She said we could both leave our cars running and take off if we didn't like each other," recalled Ettinger, 40.

"It was definitely scary," Clark said. "I was afraid he was going to be awful. But he was really cute. I was shocked. We were both pleasantly surprised."

That was three years ago. Now, they're married, with a 13-month-old son, Ian.

Their advice: Shop around for the service that's right for you, and then approach it with realistic expectations. And be patient—give people a chance.

"A lot of people just aren't assertive enough because they may feel embarrassed about going to a dating service in the first place."

Have realistic expectations

Once you start to meet people through a dating service, keep an open mind. It's no easy feat to develop that balance of trust, attraction and respect that most equate with love.

So don't expect to hear wedding bells after your first match has been made. Be realistic.

"You can't just expect to go out on two or three dates and meet the one," said Clark.

Of course, dating, romance and love are not exact sciences. What looks and sounds great on paper is still two-dimensional.

"You can't defy human nature. You can talk on the phone and develop quite a rapport, then you meet them and it's all wrong," said Ettinger. "You can't create chemistry. A lot of it is out of our hands."

"Some people think it's too forward, that you're forcing fate," Ettinger said. "But with a dating club, at least you know a person is honestly looking for someone. I don't think anyone has an easy answer to meeting people."

Negative stigma is disappearing

Sometimes, people join a dating service after a divorce.

Others are new to the area or tired of trying to meet people in bars, bookstores or at the super market.

And for some who work long hours away from other people, dating services have been their best option.

"I have my own business. I work at home," said Elyse Clark, who met her husband through a dating service. "Who was I going to meet, the UPS guy?"

Those who run dating services locally say more people are joining and the stigma that used to peg dating services as being for the desperate only is fading.

"For the most part, it's professional people who don't go to bars, who are busy and who have been in a relationship and know what they want," said Frayda Kafka, who runs Lifeworks dating service.

"They want to have an intelligent approach to picking someone out."

Even if you don't meet your perfect mate through a dating service, some psychologists say the process can build self-esteem.

But, as they say, practice makes perfect. "With more practice, people get more comfort able. You're more likely to approach someone who could be the right person," said Dr. Joseph Perl, a clinical psychologist with a private practice in Poughkeepsie.

Adventures in dating can often be frightening, but those who've used dating services and succeeded say it was worth the effort.

"I think a lot of people have a bad impression of it, that it's a horrible, embarrassing thing," Clark said. "But if I hadn't done it I wouldn't have met my husband. People just decide they're sick of nothing happening and they want to do something about it."

Once the dates start happening, it's really out of the hands of the dating services anyway.